Hellooo Reader, it’s been a while bit!

Is it just me who feels like I am done for the year? 😅 I am literally just powering through because there are still things that need to be delivered before I take my well-deserved off.

I’ve recently read that in winter our bodies naturally change their circadian rhythm – because winter is for deep rest and reflection. That’s why the sun goes down earlier and rises much later.

This is your reminder that whilst we want to make many people happy this Christmas, my dear hobitsies, let us also make time for rest.

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As for me, I have recently learned a very valuable, eye-opening lesson which I wanted to share with you.

I’ve been dealing with offense at work — ahhh the usual: discrimination, bullying, and stuff. And while it’s easy to point fingers, I decided to ask: what is it that I need to learn here?

And it’s this: the art of being unoffendable. ✨

Discriminators and bullies will, unfortunately, always exist.

But learning how to navigate these experiences consciously – without invalidating your experience – is a skill that can save us enormous stress and unnecessary suffering.

So here you go…

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Why do people feel offended?

Offense is rarely about what was said, it’s about what it touches inside us.

Here are a few common reasons offense lands so deeply:

• Ego threat – When something challenges how we see ourselves, the brain treats it like danger.
• Over-identification – When you are your role, your work, your competence, or your ‘goodness’, any criticism feels personal.
• Attachment insecurity – Some of us are wired to scan for rejection, even in neutral situations.
• Interpretation, not intention – We often assign meaning faster than we gather facts.
• Unmet expectations – We expect understanding, fairness, apology, or validation — and feel wounded when it doesn’t arrive.

Offense is not weakness. It’s information.

And like all information, we can learn how to respond to it wisely.

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So how do we really become unoffendable?

Here are a few studies mixed with personal reflections that helped me reframe everything.

Becoming “unoffendable” isn’t about pretending things don’t hurt.

It’s about building the inner structures that make you harder to shake, slower to react, and less dependent on other people’s approval.

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1. Remembering (or building) a strong self-identity

Psychiatrist Murray Bowen found that people with higher self-differentiation can hold onto their sense of identity even when others disagree, criticize, or react emotionally.

When your identity isn’t fused with other people’s opinions, you interpret comments as information – not identity threats.

In practice, this looks like:

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A. You don’t need everyone to think like you.

I realized I was unconsciously expecting that if I explained myself well enough, everyone would understand me the same way I do.

Wrong.

There is no amount of explanation that will make people see through your lens –because they’re always looking through their own.

Once you accept this, you’re free.

B. You stay calm even when someone around you isn’t.

C. You can hear feedback without spiraling.

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2. Regulating emotions and sourcing within

Many people never learn this – and you don’t have to be one of them.

Instead of waiting for other people’s apology (or whatever it is you think will make you feel better), you source what you need within.

Maybe what you needed was validation. Then remember that you don’t always need other people’s approval to feel good about yourself.

Maybe what you really needed was to feel like you belong. I hope you don’t forget that the fact that you are here, existing, living, breathing, means you already belong.

Maybe what you needed was to feel heard and understood. So, choose to celebrate yourself for voicing your opinions and being the one who sees the vision.

Learning how to source within what we ‘thought’ we needed from others becomes incredibly powerful – especially when we eventually find the people who truly get us.

So each offense becomes a filter: who’s really for us, and who simply isn’t.

Each offense becomes an opportunity to become kinder – not just to us, but to others who may simply be operating at the level of consciousness they know best.

And yes, all of this comes after giving yourself enough time to feel – to express the anger, the frustration, to cry either alone or with the people who really get you.

When you can witness your feelings without becoming them, offense becomes optional.

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3. Establishing Secure Inner Ground

One of the biggest shifts that reduces offense is this: learning to stop personalizing everything.

Securely attached people don’t immediately assume harm.

They don’t read tone as rejection or silence as punishment.

They understand that people carry their own stress, wounds, limitations, and blind spots.

Buddhism and Stoicism teach the same truth: events are neutral; interpretation is everything.

This doesn’t mean you excuse bad behaviour or ignore injustice.

It means you don’t internalize other people’s dysfunction.

When your inner ground is secure, you stop asking, “What did I do wrong?”
and start asking, “What might be happening for them?”

And that shift alone dissolves so much unnecessary suffering.

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4. Practicing Self-Compassion

Offense sticks hardest when our harsh inner critic is on the loose.

Research shows that self-compassion reduces shame, defensiveness, and emotional fragility – the exact conditions that make us easily offended.

When you treat yourself with gentleness, mistakes don’t feel catastrophic.

Feedback doesn’t feel like rejection. And criticism doesn’t collapse your sense of worth.

Christianity captures this beautifully: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Not instead of yourself.
Not more than yourself.
As yourself.

When you stop attacking yourself internally, other people lose their power to wound you externally.

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Question For You This Week

What part of you gets offended the fastest, and what might it be trying to protect?

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Look at you, my unoffendable, confident and sexy friend – slaaaay! ✨

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Stay wise my friend,

Dane (￣▽￣)

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