Thank you for waiting – not that you’re actively waiting – but thanks for still being here.

I got pregnant, I delivered a beautiful child, I am healing and slowly coming back.

It was one of the most difficult seasons but it was also the most life-changing 10 months I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve gotten a lot of wisdom and lessons compiled in my notebook.

Right now, I am still on maternity leave soaking in all the private moments with my little moonpie and also started coaching new clients.

I thought that the best time to come back is now and share with you what happened so far as I share along any lessons and wisdom you may also resonate with.

May this piece give you an idea how to review your mid-year too. ✨

If you don’t care for it – it’s fine – just don’t forget to give yourself a pat on your shoulders and say, “Well done!” 😊

January

We’ve battled for the life of our cat since December 21, 2023 – a long fight. We’ve had to visit her every single day at the clinic driving 2 hours back and forth. In January, we lost her. She was our cat and our first baby for almost 8 years.

This happened in the middle of my pregnancy. It feels like being pulled in both directions – creating a new life and fighting for a life that is slowly fading away. I have become a portal of both life and death at the same time.

Looking back, I realised that, truly, humans are more than capable to hold two conflicting emotions – we’ve grieved (the loss of our cat, our first baby) and rejoiced (the milestones of my baby in womb) at the same time.

February

With the loss of our cat, suddenly our 2-bedroom living space felt so empty.

Every corners we bumped into reminds us of our cat.

A friend reached out to us and invited us to rescue a cat who is being abused by its owner. We said yes.

We named him Prof. Atom Sinclair. He’s so pure, so kind (even kinder than our first cat Dr. Sabrina Squat) and at the same time, he’s so traumatised.

We did our best to make him feel loved and regain his trust in humanity and we succeeded in doing so.

However, a month after our adoption, he fell ill with FIV. It all happened so fast, he died the same day he was diagnosed.

We were so confused and so in denial to what is happening.

Why must this happen?

To this day we don’t understand why.

We can only guess that maybe, we’re not really meant to have a cat because maybe our baby is allergic (but who knows right?)

Or maybe God brought him to our lives to speed up our grieving with our first cat while at the same time making this terminally ill cat feel loved one last time before he crosses the rainbow bridge.

But again, who knows, right?

We’ve reached a point of sadness and grief that we just decided to stopped asking why and just be in faith even when we don’t have all the answers, yet.

When we did this, we were able to actually channel our 100% focus back to our child and preparing for his arrival.

March

Going into third trimester of my pregnancy, it was only becoming more difficult from here – mostly physically.

The changes in my body are becoming more and more prevalent and full of wonder.

I wanted to start feeling insecure and bad, I did a little bit, but I was more curious how can this body get even bigger and take it all in?

The more I read about what’s truly happening inside me and what’s going to happen during and after birth, the more I don’t believe how it’s been made possible. I am just in awe!

April

No matter how much I prefer living abroad, in major life changes like pregnancy, it always reminds me how important it is to have a family close by.

I was on the fence on hosting a baby shower because I wasn’t sure if we actually have people to ‘shower’ us or even show up for that matter.

But, my husband and I decided to act in hope than in doubt, we sent out the invites and opened our hearts and our home.

On the day of the event, we were just surprised at the number of people who showered us with support, love notes and gifts.

We realised that when we open our hearts, magical things happen and that a lot of people actually cares more than you think.

May

I spent hours of my birth labor into meditation. It was painful but tolerable.

What tested me isn’t labor pains, it was facing the fact that I have to consider the C-Section procedure.

I was so scared – the thought of a very long syringe going through my spine, being cut open and the healing after just really scares me.

Although I told myself I really don’t care whether I deliver vaginally or through CS procedure, I always knew I am more scared with CS.

And I also knew that I will brave through it; I’ll do it of course, for my baby. I love him.

My OB told me that we can still wait until the next morning since my baby’s heart rate stabilised, I was dilating very slow and anytime I have contractions, his heart rate goes up.

However, considering the situation, I felt it in my gut to go ahead with CS.

Going through labor pains and feeling the fear as I decide whether or not to go through C-Section is excruciatingly painful. I cried a lot as I meditate and manage the pain.

I thought to myself, this must be a fraction of what Jesus felt when He is being beaten before and after being nailed to the cross.

During the procedure, I saw myself cut open through the reflection of the lamp above me. I saw everything, it was metal.

When the OB handed over my baby to me, the doctor said it was a good call to go for CS as he is weighing 4 kg – there is no way he would have come out other than C-Section.

More importantly, seeing him, this little boy I’ve carried 24/7 for the past 9 months, it was just too magical!

He’s so chubby, he’s so cute, he’s head strong – ahhhh!

I realised that we can go through any pain, excruciating pain, only if we do it for love.

The pain is great but the reward is greater.

June

The remaining days of May after birth until the month of June is when the season of pruning started. Spiritual and mental pruning – it was one of the most challenging seasons I faced.

Firstly, I realised how wrong we were for not asking for help or hiring help before my baby came.

We thought we wanted some private time with us and the baby, but we fell short foreseeing that caring for a newborn IS A LOT.

We did everything by ourselves – all of it – learned skills on the job, and most painfully, I had to deal with my stiches pain by myself. We cried, fought and mend a lot.

One thing I would change if I do this over again is to hire help way earlier.

On the other hand, I also experienced the most magical moments of my life.

On top of all things I didn’t know I wasn’t prepared enough for, I wasn’t also prepared to experience such depth and surge of love by looking at the eyes of my baby.

I wasn’t really looking forward to becoming a mother, but I knew I will be one, I planned and acted on it and it happened on my timeline.

I thought I was just answering to a normal humanity call, but I didn’t know it will be this sacred, it will be momentous and that it will be this life-changing for so many good reasons.

They were right – all of them.

In my attempt to always keep it logical and rational, I didn’t see that there is a lot of wisdom and depth to what ‘most’ say about motherhood. It’s indeed the most rewarding.

But I wasn’t just getting to know a new human (my baby), I was also getting to know a new version of my husband and myself.

My husband showed me a protective kind of love I’ve never seen. He’s always been the best, but I never thought my respect and love can still increase after all these years.

He cared for me to the point of sacrificing himself. Even when he went back to work, he would take the night duty caring for our newborn baby so I don’t have to wake up and focus on my healing – I couldn’t say no.

I also got to know a new version of me I didn’t expect I have – the mother me. I’ve always been a mother figure to most – my sibs, my friends – but to become a real mother to my own is truly next level.

This is the kind where you’d rather fall sick, die, not eat ,just not your child.

Plainly saying it undermines the point, but actually experiencing it is totally different.

2024 is the first year since college where I was not able to set any goal or plan. I mean, with what I shared above, who would have time and mental space, right?

Each month brings major difficulties on its own – emotionally, mentally, physically, financially. It does feel like I am still in a fast bullet train, everything is happening so fast!

However, looking back, all these happened to prepare my body, soul and brain about motherhood.

✨️ It’s the season to play things by the ear, listen to my heart and align with my soul every step of the way. ✨️

I am grateful for both the loss and the gain, the sadness and the joy.

I may not be reviewing how well I did in each goal, but I am surely glad to write the learnings I could have not learned anywhere else.

Thanks for reading!